The Queen of the Cockroaches

The Queen of the Cockroaches 

Once upon a time in a land far, far away. Or rather a land far enough away, but really not nearly far enough. Anyways, in this land lived a girl, who even though she was a princess, was a little strapped for cash. And she wanted more, after all, she is a princess. So she had an idea.This idea came to her from a buzzing in the air. A quiet notion in the desert song. Time to find herself a prince.

She summoned her advisors and they brought the most handsome and intelligent princes from all the lands for her to choose from. Nevertheless, each suitor, she found ill suited. Too tall, too short, too smart, too dumb. So she gave up hope in gaining independence through matrimony. And instead through a chance, whimsical twist of fate created for herself independence.  

Evicted from her palace, the princess moved to a flat share in the city. One day, she happened into the water closet and found laying on its back, lying helplessly, quite helplessly, a cockroach. At first, she cringed, jumped up onto the toilet, and called for her servants. When no maid came, in a fit of bravery and disgust that shocked, even herself, she lifted her sandal shod foot and crunch. Euthanized the poor beast. Six, nay, seven of the creature’s grief stricken comrades scuttled from behind the commode, under the sink, and from the very bath itself. She was surrounded. Panicking, she reached into the cabinet under the toilet. Finding first a canister of aerosol deodorant, fresh vice scent, she sprayed. This only incurred further the wrath of the fast approaching monsters.

“Hurry” she thought, rummaging through the ancient boxes of stale tampons and rusty razors. “I suppose I could fashion a makeshift projectile device. Or, perhaps, a mini guillotine. But no… no… there’s no time for that. I must continue… here.”

At this point, her hand found the bottle of Raid insect poison. She turned around like a new woman. Armed and ready. Pressing her finger down, she gassed the poor bastards down. In a frenzy she sprayed and stomped and felt like a giant WWI newsreel.

When all the bugs lay dead at her feet, she contemplated the carnage about her. She lowered herself to her knees, scooped up the bodies of her foes, and tossed them in the trash. And thus, she earned her independence.

The End.