Monday, August 20, 2012

Hey all!
Thanks so much for sticking with me. I know it's been forever since I posted anything. I recently moved from Jlem (Jerusalem) to TA (Tel Aviv) so it's like across the country. I've been a wee bit focused on that.
 I'm now embarking on an integral part of the Aliyah process. -No, not starting Uni.- Visiting my parents abroad. All I really have to say about that is I found the best gift for my dad:
http://www.holycacao.co.il/

I first tried it at the Jerusalem Wine Festival, it was seriously the best thing I ever tasted. Seriously. It's smooth dark chocolate with cinnamon and chili peppers. It's intense and delicious.

They have lot's of other flavors and stuff, and you can buy the chocolate in health food stores here, and online.

Wish me a safe flight, Nisiyah Tova
B'Ahava,
L


By the way, I'm in no way paid to endorse this. I just believe in supporting and promoting Israeli brands. And also it's really tasty. :-)

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Princess Penelope in China

Princess Penelope Sees Sceninc China.

Still no word from the Warehouse Bandits in many days.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Butterfly on a Black and White Bus

Sign visible at the front of all Egged Bus Company Busses. 
Translation:All passengers are permitted to sit in all places that they choose. With the exception of places designated spots for people with disabilities. Discrimination and harassment of passengers in this regard is illegal and will incur a fine. 

So I wanted to visit my friend in a Hariedi neighborhood in the north of Jerusalem. It takes two buses and about two hours to get from where I live to to my friends. After the first leg of the journey, I alighted, at the stop in a mixed neighborhood.
After about a fifteen minute wait, the bus pulled up and opened the back door, an anomaly, usually buses open from the front door only. It's a security precaution, so the driver can see who comes on and off.  I shrugged it off, figuring it had to do with the fact the bus was exceptionally overcrowded. It had been a long time since I saw my friends and I dressed especially for the occasion. Despite the oppressive heat of the day, I took special care to cover my collar bone, elbows, and knees. My friends are pretty open minded, so I did not wear stockings or closed toed shoes, though that is considered standard dress in the neighborhood. I wore a long sleeve green gingham shirt, unbuttoned over a pink and purple striped tank top, a knee length denim skirt, blue fingernail polish, sparkly pink toenail  polish sandals and two perky pigtails bouncy, on either side of my head.

I walked to the front of my bus, not to make a political statement, but rather to pay my ticket. Because while sitting at the back of the bus might be a rabbinical decree from the Gedoley Ha Dor , G-d Himself said not to steal. Even from The Egged Bus Company.

As I approached the front of the bus several women handed me their electronic bus cards to swipe by the driver. I wondered why they felt it acceptable for me to journey into only-man's-land but not them. But I decided better not to ask. The bus turned and swerved and snaked through the city. I made my way through the men's half of the bus like a technicolor anachronism in a black and white film.

Like a butterfly flitting among a forest of bearded trees I made my way to the driver. All the men reeled back from me as I extended my arm to the card reader.  Afraid of violating shomer negiyah the halachic principle that men should avoid touching women outside their nuclear family, they parted like I was Charlton Heston, and they the Red Sea. I put in my card and the card of my fellow female passengers. I felt simultaneously like a slut and a martyr. It's rather a weird thing for a Jewish girl to relate so closely to Mary Magdalene, but I at that moment I did.

I made my way to the back of the bus. But, the vehicle was overcrowded so I grabbed a bright yellow pole in the first available spot. In the men's half. I stood, undulating with the bumps and turns of the road. Again, completely covered from collarbone to knee, I suddenly felt that my bus pole had transformed into a stripper pole. I tried to put the thought outside my mind. It's all in my head. Right? It's all in my mind. Those women in the back in their black and brown ponchos aren't staring at me. Right? I'm not a whore for standing where there's space? I'm not a slut for wearing green. And purple. And pink. And denim. Right?
I closed my eyes and tried to put it outside of my mind. stand on a bus. I bent my knees and steadied myself balancing with the bumps.I feel like this is what it would be like to surf. So I leaned up up against the pole and imagine the sea.

Voices leak into my reverie. The Jewish people will never be the same. It's such a shame. The worst thing to happen to the Jews. What will the future hold for us?

"What? Really?" I thought. "I'm not... I'm not a bad person. It's just colors. Seriously. The Jewish People have survived much worse than stripes and plaid. "

A pressure behind my eyes began to grow and a small voice began to scream within me: 'I'm a good girl, I am'

Then a great bearded figure behind me said:
 The Gadol ha Dor. Rav Elyashiv. Died. 

O.

Um...

Does that mean now I can stay at the front of the bus?

--
Definitions:

Charedi / Hariedi/ Haredi - Super Ultra Orthodox Jews in Israel. literally from the Hebrew word to tremble.
 Gadol Ha Dor - literally Great One of the Generation. Refers to the Rabbis that issue decrees and are highest up on the rabbinical hierarchy.

Gedolei Ha Dor - Plural or Gadol Ha Dor. See above.

Halacha / Halachic - Jewish Law.

Shomer Negiyah - Prohibition against touching members of the opposite sex outside one's nuclear family.



Tuesday, July 24, 2012

The Lonely Sandwich Has Friends !!




Seen at the Tel Aviv Centeral Bus Station. Those of y'all that follow my blog will remember the lonely sandwich. Well, the lonely sandwich is lonely no more! I'm so happy the lonely sandwich has now made friends, and has a strong and budding support system.

Interesting (or whatever, I'll let you determine that) side note: After I took the picture this old guy who works there starts talking to me.
"OOoo. You take picture. Why you take picture of sandwiches?"
"Well, " I reply, "It's a long story. It's for a blog. It's a joke, because the other day there was just one sandwich and now there are many."
"Yalda Chamuda." translation: sweet girl.
"Uhh/" I had no idea what to say.
"You have an accent from where are you? France?"
"Nope. U.S." I replied.
"But do you speak French?" he said.
"Nope."
"But you have a French accent."
"Okay."
"Say something in French."
"I have to go now." I said, as I backed away.

I really have to learn that Jerusalem manners and Tel Aviv manners are two different things.

Okay,
Kol Tuv (It's all Good)
<3

Thursday, July 19, 2012

My Amazing Friends Blog

Image


http://andreagrinberg.com/

Everybody check out my amazing friend's blog about life. She know's a lot more on the subject than I do and I highly reccomend what she has to say.

Love to all in Bloggyland!

Hello Bloggyland

Hello Bloggyland!
My internet is a bit wonky so please bear with me and my bad spelling. I will try and post often, with interesting material, but because I'm not at my home computer, it's probably going to be reposts for a couple of days and not original picts and writing.

Y'all rock, and have awesome taste in blogs,
B'Ahava ,
L

Awsome Blog



http://www.rocknrollbride.com/page/2/

Even More Folksy Awsomeness



http://www.folkalley.com/

'Cause I love folk music like a Grampa.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

This is love

The First Photos of Captive Prince Papergoods

First photos of Prince Papergoods finally released! Though he looks gaunt and rather decaffeinated, it's with great happiness to announce that he is alive and relatively well. Experts from the Mossad, CIA, NSA, and Interpol are examining the photograph for all information they can collect. Of the Revelation, Princess Penelope proclaims, "O! How perfect to peruse pictures of my precious prince." 

 The Warehouse Bandits released their demands with the pictures. 500 million billion trillion kajillion staples, and free wifi for a year. 

Princess Penelope is now adjusting her awareness campaign to a fundraising lecture tour. 

Remember, you saw it here first. 

Source: Yediot Achronot and The Warehouse Bandits. *

*Seriously, I shouldn't have to say it. But CYA Not really don't sue! 


Monday, July 16, 2012

A day at the beach

A Crane in Holon (South of Tel Aviv)

The Beach Somewhere Near Zichron Yaakov

More Cranes!!!!!!! :-D

Clouds in July - This doesn't happen often in the region where I live.
Self Confidence.


Sunday, July 15, 2012

Princess Penelope in Paris

Princess P in Paris
"Just like the Eifel Tower looks like an electric transformer, I pray my electric love with transform the world and bring my precious Prince Papergoods back to me... O... and Paris is The City of Love... I guess I didn't really need to stretch for a metaphor there. "

Bonsoir

Source: Princess Penelope's Private Press Corps. 

Sandwich

 Single Sandwich Looking for Love;
 at the Tachana Merkazit (Central Bus Station) , Tel Aviv- 

Instruction Manual for Life


I watch this video whenever I wonder what the hell someone else is thinking, and why doesn't it make sense to me. It helps me to remember that it's okay. 

I have to sneak in some vegetables with all the sugary silliness <3

Friday, July 13, 2012

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal




<a href="http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=351"><img src="http://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20051121.gif"></a>

Toothpaste for Dinner

Toothpaste For Dinner comic: having problems connecting to the internet * Text:

Toothpastefordinner.com

To Isra-fy this insert the word cellcom, add a voice-menu that says "press three for english" and listen to the tech-support guy mock you in Hebrew.


Princess Penelope with the President at the Palace

Princess P Meeting with World Leaders to Further Her Cause
Left To Right: Pres. Obama, Queen Elizabath II (Priness P's Cousin), Michell Obama, and Princess P
Queen Elizabeth said of the ocaasion, "It is a momentous occasion to bring together the leaders of the free world.We do again send our harshest critism to the Evil Office Supply Bandits and do hope sincerly for the release of my grand-nephew Prince Papergoods."




Thursday, July 12, 2012

Princess Penelope Arrives Safely in London


With a Guard

Getting a little Friendly
And She Uses Her Special Princess Priveleges to Pet the Fuzzy Hat
"It's so cool," she says "he really doesn't move at all."

Source: Reuters*

*Not really. Don't Sue.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Princess Penelope's Personal Playlist

2012-07-10 19.17.28.jpg

We managed to catch up with Princess P while she was waiting in line at Customs. We asked her what music she's been listening to on her flight.

She's streaming the Woody Guthrie Centennial Mix from NPR.

Princess P likes her folk music. She says, "Folk music's message of freedom and hope, reminds me of the future I will have when my darling Prince Papergoods is released from the shipping warehouse."
Ahh. So romantic.

She's also listening to Common Rotation.


If the link doesn't work  copy and paste.
http://www.npr.org/2012/07/03/156205832/the-mix-the-woody-guthrie-centennial

http://commonrotation.com/

Postcard From No One


Source: http://www.postsecret.com/

I saw this on Post Secret and thought of all the people I love back home. I just want y'all to know I love you too. XO

Love,
L

Okay, Back to making jokes and silliness

Too Much Folky Goodness




Too much folky goodness.

Princess Penelope Coming Through Security

Princess Penelope Waves to Fans as she comes through Airport Security

Princess Penelope sets out on her journey looking fresh as ever in white. She takes a small oppurtunity to wave to fans after coming through security at Tel Aviv's Ben Gurion. She will arrive in London is five hours. 

Source: Fan from the airport. 


Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Princess Peneleope at home in Israel

Princess Penelope at home in Israel.

Hi All!
This is Princess Penelope. She's a princess. Obviously, you can tell by her name. She lives in Israel. Recently, Penelope has decided to travel in support of her betrothed Prince Papergoods. He was kidnapped by evil office supply bandits. In an attempt to boost public awarness and support for her campaign to release Prince Papergoods from the shipping warehouse, she will embark on a world tour to promote his release.
All updates of Princess Penelopes travels will be posted here.

Remember, you saw it here first folks.

Source the AP*
(*not really. Seriously, please don't think that. They might sue me.)


Monday, July 9, 2012

Defying Gravity

So I heard this joke at a Ha Hafuch Comedy Show about a year ago. I don't remember who told it, but it basically saved my life.

So I'm walking in the shuk with my friend and she's holding all these groceries. We're walking along and then suddenly she drops a crate of eggs on the ground. All 48 eggs smash into yellow goo. She looks up to the sky and screams "F**k Israel!"
But I'm just like, there's Gravity in America, too.



Yay! I'm Still Gonna Go To College!


Photo: We made a promise, and we have kept it.

A short while ago, the government of Israel adopted a historic decision on the partnership between the government and The Jewish Agency for Israel. The decision establishes that the government will assume responsibility for K'litah (immigrant absorption) activities, enabling The Jewish Agency to focus on its core mission of increasing Aliyah (immigration to Israel) and connecting Jews around the world to Israel, to the Jewish people, and to their Jewish identities.

Among other things, the decision determines that the government will increase its contribution to the Student Authority for the upcoming academic year and that all funding for the Authority will be transferred to the body by July 22 in order to ensure that no students are harmed in the process -- precisely as Jewish Agency Chairman Natan Sharansky promised.

We would like to acknowledge The Prime Minister of Israel Benjamin Netanyahu's personal involvement in ensuring the success of this partnership and express our gratitude to the Prime Minister for his leadership and vision.

To read our statement on this historic decision, please see http://on.fb.me/Olw1Ka. To read the decision itself (in Hebrew), please see http://bit.ly/LGzfs3.

https://www.facebook.com/notes/the-jewish-agency-for-israel/historic-decision-on-the-partnership-between-the-government-of-israel-and-the-je/10150993720979500

So basically the government and the Jewish Agency have come to an agreement. Yay! This means all I have to do is get a straight answer on where to send my paper work ! !

Friday, July 6, 2012

Keter Closet


iwannagohome.
knowing i'm more likely to go on to narnia;
 i stuff myself into the keter closet,
cramp up into the aron;
 make myself holy to lie here,
like a sefer torah rolled up tight;
Pretzeled up alone in the dark,
folded onto a bottom shelf,
with six faded shells stacked in a pile;
i put them up to my ear but I don’t hear the sea;
but i listen but i don’t hear the sea.
iwannagohome

but home is a keter closet with space for me,
and six off white shells, but no room for shirts.
--



Definitions:

Keter closet:  a brand that makes plastic closets. Keter translates into english as crown.

Aron: hebrew from a closet, also the holy ark where Torah scrolls are kept in synogogue.

Sefer torah: Torah Scroll

Shells: a type of undershirt also what some animals live in in the sea.

A Normal Keter Closet:
My Keter Closet:

Navigating through homesickness is part of the aliyah process. It's not bad, it's not good, it's just something to work through. I write poems and decorate my closet to deal. :)

Kol Tuv
L

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Garfield minus Garfield

Hey all. Sorry I didn't publish anything. I had an insane day. 6 hours at least on the bus. Part of living in the holy land. Anyways, so I found this cute website today garfield minus garfield.


Garfield Minus Garfield is a site dedicated to removing Garfield from the Garfield comic strips in order to reveal the existential angst of a certain young Mr. Jon Arbuckle. It is a journey deep into the mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness and depression in a quiet American suburb. 


http://garfieldminusgarfield.net/page/123

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

101 Hits in 3 Days!

101 hits in three days. :)
Leave comments so I know what to post. Share if you enjoy it, so more people can enjoy this blog too. links to share to the right and below the post.

Kol Tuv

The Derech

"The Derech "- (The Path)
a painting by me in Acrylic, if you share please credit this blog

He begged me for change and I told him I wasn’t a revolutionary.


So earlier this month, I was sitting on the bus with a suitcase. I planned to take it to a friend for storage while I move. During high traffic, in July heat, I went straight to the first available seat.I felt pretty good, I managed to get a spot by air conditioning vent. It felt like satisfaction in the summer heat. Then two stops into my ride, a man sat down next to me. A man reeking heavily of stale cigarettes and yesterday's urine. I was trapped.
My suitcase, thirty kilos of books and clothes wedged itself tightly between my knees and the seat in front of me. My purse sat on my knees, the strap, caught on a hook for the window shade. There was no way to maneuver on the sweltering bumbling bus. No escape. Not with all the baggage.
I wished I had a handkerchief to cover my face, or a sweater with a hoodie, even. Something to shield discreetly my poor nose. Because, as much as my senses were bombarded with the unkempt unshaven man who likely last showered only before last pesach, I still didn’t want to likewise offend him. Even though I don’t like the creepy way his gaze lingers on my face. His brown eyes peering through a mess of matted ginger beard. I had to find relief.

I tried taking shallow nasal breaths but this only exacerbates the stench. I tried breathing through my mouth but nearly wretched at the leathery sound of a fart transcending the crescendo of the bus. I frantically covered my face with my hand, my wrist, nestle my whole face in the crook of my elbow but no. no. nothing helps.
I try burrowing into the flab of my upper arm and suddenly decide to take shelter in the last refuge of scent, my deodorized pit. Finally, I felt some relief in my own familiar scent trying to lean casually although to fool the fellow travelers. No, I’m not inhaling my own antiperspirant which, I thank G-d, is effective as the advertisements claim, except for its ability to attract the lawless hords of opposite sex.  Yeah,  I'd rather fellow passengers not know I’m spending the half hour of Aggrippas traffic inhaling the remnants of Axe antiperspirant off my pits. And I'd rather the stinky hobo pseudo not know I'd rather smell my own pit in July than inhale his noxious fumes.

Though, I hardly think he noticed. He seemed a bit schizophrenic; saving a seat for a friend that never boarded and lashing out angrily at the half dozen commuters who tried to sit. Yes, he must have been schizophrenic looking slightly above my head and smiling a gummy yellow grin. He said I looked like a Bedouin.Accidentally I laughed. In response, he offered to escort me home and unpack. 

I alighted terrified he might follow. I even contemplated getting off a stop late and tremping (hitchhiking) back just to throw him off the trail. Though  it seemed excessive with the suitcase. The bus pulled away. From the window, he called into the wind: I will see Leah Imenu, daughter of priests servant of Bedouins at a hall of great meetings by an altar of roasting meat with the sun high on the horizons and shadows hard to come by. He must have been schizophrenic because God only grants prophecy to children and fools. Fools being a Talmudic euphemism for crazy people like this smelly farty guy. I shook it off and dragged my suitcase up a half a dozen stories to my apartment.

His prediction turned out eerily accurate, close to prophecy. I did see him again; panhandling for agurot by mouth of the tunnel at Binyaney Ha Uma, the national convention center. He sat on the curb jingling a plastic cup half-full of coins. He surrounded himself with plastic bags and a created for himself a makeshift awning out of a cardboard box, creating little shade in the bright day. His little setup was situated by a hot dog stand. Thought wasn’t really a full-blown hot dog stand but a mobile makollet stocked with gum and bizli with a superfluous contraption of rolling hotdogs dating back to the early British Mandate. Lazily spinning, the meat turned round hypnotically in the full noon sun. I didn’t remember him at first. Several weeks passed and I’d seen many haggard beggars since. I do live in Jerusalem. Though, he remembered me. He called to me. He called me the bag lady, which I thought was ironic, but I didn’t laugh.

 I started to walk away and he started screaming. He begged me for change and I told him I wasn’t a revolutionary. He didn’t laugh. I walked away, feeling horribly guilty and somewhat dirty. I guess the joke didn’t translate. Walking away, I thought I have some change in my purse. Buried at the bottom, I hate the idea of fishing through old tampon wrappers, and expired bus transfers for a half-shekel coin. Gold and molded with a Davidic harp; It’s just a half shekel, not even a dime. I took another step away, took a sip of my extra large ice cofee and started to dig.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Noah's Ark

Noah's Ark, Seen at Ulpan Morasha over a year ago. It still makes me smile.




 "Be free little birdie."
Have a beautiful day,
Kol Tuv

Sunday, July 1, 2012

The Queen of the Cockroaches


The Queen of the Cockroaches 

Once upon a time in a land far, far away. Or rather a land far enough away, but really not nearly far enough. Anyways, in this land lived a girl, who even though she was a princess, was a little strapped for cash. And she wanted more, after all, she is a princess. So she had an idea.This idea came to her from a buzzing in the air. A quiet notion in the desert song. Time to find herself a prince.

She summoned her advisors and they brought the most handsome and intelligent princes from all the lands for her to choose from. Nevertheless, each suitor, she found ill suited. Too tall, too short, too smart, too dumb. So she gave up hope in gaining independence through matrimony. And instead through a chance, whimsical twist of fate created for herself independence.  

Evicted from her palace, the princess moved to a flat share in the city. One day, she happened into the water closet and found laying on its back, lying helplessly, quite helplessly, a cockroach. At first, she cringed, jumped up onto the toilet, and called for her servants. When no maid came, in a fit of bravery and disgust that shocked, even herself, she lifted her sandal shod foot and crunch. Euthanized the poor beast. Six, nay, seven of the creature’s grief stricken comrades scuttled from behind the commode, under the sink, and from the very bath itself. She was surrounded. Panicking, she reached into the cabinet under the toilet. Finding first a canister of aerosol deodorant, fresh vice scent, she sprayed. This only incurred further the wrath of the fast approaching monsters.

“Hurry” she thought, rummaging through the ancient boxes of stale tampons and rusty razors. “I suppose I could fashion a makeshift projectile device. Or, perhaps, a mini guillotine. But no… no… there’s no time for that. I must continue… here.”

At this point, her hand found the bottle of Raid insect poison. She turned around like a new woman. Armed and ready. Pressing her finger down, she gassed the poor bastards down. In a frenzy she sprayed and stomped and felt like a giant WWI newsreel.
When all the bugs lay dead at her feet, she contemplated the carnage about her. She lowered herself to her knees, scooped up the bodies of her foes, and tossed them in the trash. And thus, she earned her independence.

The End.  


How come no one is writing about this whole misrad ha studentim (student authority issue)?
I'm going to college next year and I'm relying on Misrad ha Studentim's money to help pay for it. But there's no official source of information as to what's going on.
A little background:
Misrad ha Studentim is the Student Authority. It's a government agency that provides information and financial help for olim (people who've made aliyah, like me). Specifically, they give a scholarship for three years of college towards a bachelors or two towards a masters for olim who meet certain criteria (click here for more info).
However due to some government legislation (for which there is very little information in English in print or online) the funding will either cease, or be cutback. Again, there is very little information on the internet about this, so I'm pretty fuzzy on the details. I've tried contacting Misrad ha Studentim, and Nefesh B' Nefesh and it really seems no one has a clue what's flying.

Anyone with any info please leave a comment!


I hope your day is free from bureaucracy,
Lay
 talpiot looking so beautiful. plus I really love cranes.
 lovely talpiyot uncharactartaristacly green.
 the kotel. O so very holy.
The tachana merkazit at sunset. and more cranes.I really love the way cranes look in pictures, they give such a nice angle.
Hey all! So the purpose of this blog is to share with y'all my journey through aliyah. Aliyah is the process of moving and acclimatizing to living in Israel. I plan to share photos, stories, and poetry, whatever really I feel will best illustrate how I feel my journey can be expressed. So yeah. I'll keep you posted!

<3 Lay